Life On Limbrick

Sussex can Swell your Savings!

2011-05-17T20:58:00.004+01:00

Ok, so heres the first step in raising some funds for yourself or your cricket club.

You can find an introduction to the concept of using bookmakers introductory offers to make money here.

Also the first installment giving instruction on how to open your first account is here,

Right on with the first bet, and were going to look at a sport we all know and love, so here goes,

Its the oldest battle in Britain, the most bloody duel of the lot, no it's not Jordan vs Pete its the Sussex Vs. Somerset!

The two sides meet in the County Championship Division One tomorrow and it provides us with an oppurtunity to make some money,

You can back Sussex at odds of 11/10 at Victor Chandler, and can 'Lay' the same bet at Betfair at odds of 6/5.

If you place a £25 bet on Sussex at Victor Chandler and lay it off (bet against) with a stake of £24.65 using your Betfair account will leave you making a small loss of £1.58.

So why bother? why go to the effort of opening the accounts, placing the bets and reading this blog to lose £1.58? How does that make money?

Placing these bets has unlocked a £25 freebet from Betfair and a £25 freebet from Victor Chandler, this is £50 of free bets that can be converted into profit in the same way we have just done, without using any of your own money!

The instruction on how to do this will be in the next installment of the money making diary where we will make our first concrete profit and increase our bankroll!

Remember, why gamble when you can win?

Making Money for your Club!

2011-05-17T14:04:00.004+01:00

There is a way to make money for yourself or your cricket club by using free bets that bookies offer to persuade you to sign up and then playing the bookies off against each other to extract the free bets as profit. By following the weekly bets I will advise you can turn a £100 starting float into £1000 by the end of the season.

The Bookie doesn’t always win!

The aim is simple, to make the players, associates and our rafts of supporters across the globe some money to spend on fast cars, cheap beer and loose women (not Carol McGiffin!)

After all, why gamble when you can win?

Starting with a £100 float turning it into £1000 with no risk of ever losing is the aim, with advice from out club sponsor, the Gambling Times, we will advise on what bets to make and when in order to take advantage of generous bookmakers sign up offers in order to guarantee a profit with no risk.

Last week I told you about the things that you need in order to make some money for yourself or your cricket club.

1. Access to the internet at home, which if your reading this is a bit of a given,

2. A starting bankroll of £100 which you will be able to set aside to use each week and watch it grow!

3. A basic grasp of maths, it isn’t all pie charts and number crunching but if your still using fingers and toes this might not be for you!

4. An hour a week over the weekend to place the bets

5. A Betfair account - Betfair allows you to lay a bet and ensure a profit is attained and no £’s are lost. If you lay the bet, you bet AGAINST the outcome happening. Effectively you get to be the bookies yourself. Click here and enter code GHALVFWKF to get an account and gain further information on receiving £25 from Betfair.

6. And that’s it your good to go!

For further information on setting up a Betfair account click here.

Ok the first bookmaker to open an account with is Victor Chandler, by opening an account and placing a bet of £25 you receive a free bet of £25 pounds, this coupled with the free bet you receive for opening an account with betfair is your first step on the road to £1000!

To open a Victor Chandler account Click here

Revisit the blog at 9.00pm tonight to find out exactly which bets to place in order to guarantee a profit!

From The Sublime To the Ridiculous - The Inconsitancies Continue

2011-05-11T10:34:00.003+01:00

So its been a rollercoaster fortnight for the man from Limbrick.

Saturday 30th April saw the James' first XI face visitors from Earlestown CC in a match sponsored by 'TheGamblingTimes.com'.

And the matchday sponsors certainly brought some luck to the homeside in what turned out to be a good victory and the full 20 points in the bag.

Jimmies won the toss and decided to bowl on a pitch that looked like a childs jigsaw puzzle with more cracks on display than the second XI dressing room.

The visitors from Earlestown made a solid start with some fortunate nicks and edges getting them to 49 before they lost their first wicket to a smart caught and bowled from the no longer smurf haired Jackson.

After their dangerous looking number three was removed by a high catch from Tapedeck Morris then it was collapse time for Earlestown and St James turned the screw and rampantly removed the visitors batsmen with ease bowling them out for 105, with Jackson taking 4 wickets and P McNally Jnr taking an impressive 4/21!

So the chase was on and the openers started in style, with Bobby Woods and Sean Fossil getting the Saints to 78 before Woods missed a straight one, Gaz Deakin was removed early as he Razzled a drive straight into the hands of a fielder however after Mickey Mac was gone early it fell to Jackson and Foster to see us over the line.

Foster batting through to make 52 not out was the highlight of the game and might surpass his previous best of getting a few runs against a church team in a friendly.

The next two games, A cup game away at Aughton and a home game against Norley Hall can not be commented on fully for a plethora of reasons. Namely,

a) we lost

b) this top class reported was on holiday,

c) catches win matches, drops win slops!

As I was not present I can only quote some views I got from other players,

Foster: "It was shit, we should have won, the top order did their job against aughton but we missed Brown coming in as the Finisher, dont ask about Norley hall, bad decision, stupid umpire, left armer, i felt good, etc, etc."

R Deakin: "We just cant win without Graham"

S Mcnally: " "

The twos also got stuffed although a special mention has to be made for new overseas signing, the polish panther Roman Bullokski who showed great consistency in his average.

Stars in their Pies

2011-05-09T10:33:00.002+01:00

Their warm up consists of windmilling their arms exactly 3 times before straining to remove their painfully tight jumper. They mark out their run up three and a half paces from the bowling crease and often use their tactical nous to move at least 6 of the infield onto the boundary.

The ‘piechucker’ is a master of the mind games and will often throw their first couple of deliveries down leg in an attempt to deceive the batsman.

Next is to bowl some of the most non threatening, confidence building, begging to be slapped deliveries ever to be seen, since . . . . , well since he did the same thing the week before.

You see this oaf trotting in to bowl yet another full dross and your heart skips a beat, a look round the outfield reveals a mass of spaces to dispatch the ball too, you feel the cold burn of your box against your scrotum as your bollocks physically swell with pride at how far you are going to send this ball. Your grip tightens, you can’t get down the track fast enough as you see another insult of a ball being tossed up in the air.

The rest of it is a blur,

you play your shot, and you set off jogging for what is another assured boundary, then you hear it, eleven men all joining into a combined ‘wahey’ as a fielder in the deep is tossing up the ball in jubilation.

As your bollocks rapidly shrink back into their walnut shell coma, and you begin the long walk back to the hutch, you take a look at the buffet bowler, half expecting to see a look of embarrassment or a note of apology, but no. Just a well versed smile and an expectant pose. Just as an extra kick in the knackers, just as your leaving earshot of the middle you swear you can hear.

‘You’re closing in on that bowling averages trophy mate, 56 for the season now’

Pissing pie chuckers, the scourge of the lower league batsmen, the hero of many a game,

And he WILL get you out

A Mugs Game?

2011-04-30T10:51:00.003+01:00

Betting is a mugs game! The bookie always wins!

Well that’s not quite true, certain situations and opportunities arise that give scope to make money from a bookmaker no matter what the outcome . In a regular diary we plan to provide instruction each week on what bets to place to guarantee a profit every time!.

The aim is simple, to make the players, associates and our rafts of supporters across the globe some money to spend on fast cars, cheap beer and loose women (not Carol McGiffin!)

After all, why gamble when you can win?

Starting with a £100 float turning it into £1000 with no risk of ever losing is the aim, with advice from out club sponsor, the Gambling Times, we will advise on what bets to make and when in order to take advantage of generous bookmakers sign up offers in order to guarantee a profit with no risk.

It may sound like magic beans from Jack and the Beanstalk but money doesn’t just grow on trees, there is some effort that has to be put in by you! Below is a toolkit of things you need to have in order to make some cash.

1. Access to the internet at home, which if your reading this is a bit of a given,

2. A starting bankroll of £100 which you will be able to set aside to use each week and watch it grow!

3. A basic grasp of maths, it isn’t all pie charts and number crunching but if your still using fingers and toes this might not be for you!

4. An hour a week over the weekend to place the bets

5. And that’s it your good to go!

Right, first thing first you need to open a BetFair account; see this account as your box, you won’t get far without it and it protects your most vital assets!

Betfair allows you to lay a bet and ensure a profit is attained and no £’s are lost. If you lay the bet, you bet AGAINST the outcome happening. Effectively you get to be the bookies yourself. Click here and enter code GHALVFWKF to get an account and gain further information on receiving £25 from Betfair.

Familiarise yourself with Betfair and have a look back next week to see a diary of the bets to place in order to make a profit.

For further information on setting up a Betfair account click here.

New Chorley St. James' Sponsor is No Gamble!

2011-04-26T07:38:00.006+01:00

Chorley St James’ C.C. are happy to announce they have attracted corporate sponsorship from online gaming company ProPunter Ltd owners of the website The Gambling Times.

We are sure this will be no gamble for the web based company who’s website helps people make money from online bookmakers and casinos by providing them with the information and tools they need in order to guarantee profit from their wagers.

With the odds on St. James making the promised land of the Lancashire cup this season looking pretty slim, the revenue from this sponsorship has become a vital part of keeping the club going.

We will be offering a weekly diary on how to guarantee money from online gambling, a step to step guide on how to raise enough money to pay for subs and petrol to away games, and maybe even enough to buy a new bat!

Remember, why gamble when you can win!

Unbeaten James' Begin Well!

2011-04-26T06:43:00.003+01:00

The opening weekend of the season saw Chorley St. James CC get off to a decent start with the First XI making a draw away from home at Halsall West End CC while the second string beat Dalton CC at the home of cricket in a close encounter.

Under the skippership this year of senior pro Paul McNally, the first XI made a strong start with Mike McNally striking early twice to remove the openers. After a brief lull in the game James' struck again with Phil Jackson removing their number 3, Colin Parrot, with an LBW decision that left him feeling pretty sick!

The home side put together a few decent partnerships through the middle overs and it took a change in bowling to make the break through as Steven McNally and the captain himself came into the attack taking four wickets between them.

After a late flurry from the Halsall tail, including their number eleven despatching opening bowler Mikey Mac over his head, Halsall finished bowled out for 152 off 49 overs.

The James' top order would have to bat well if we were to knock off this decent total and it looked like it was on as the openers settled in. However a combination of some good bowling and some poor decisions lead to the awayside being in a bit of a mess at 40/5. Thoughts soon turned from trying to knock off the total to batting out for the draw, although I dont think anyone had told wicketkeeper batsmen, Gareth Deakin, who hit two sixes in his innings of 16! Another couple of wickets fell at at 70/7 it looked like the home side could be on for a big win to start the season. However Batsmen Matty Higham and Graham Brown had the capabilities to bore eveyone, including the umpires and the scroaty kids watching to death. In a festival of forward defences, leaves and padding up the remainder of the inning was batted out to secure the draw as Jimmies finished on 119/7.

The draw left us with 7 points while the home side scored 11, so not quite honours even, but a solid start on the road for the James'. However maimum points were achieved on the hallowed turf of Limbrick by Dave Highams second XI. Boasting a solid mix of old and young, as well as an new overseas player, the Polish Paceman Roman Bullock they took to the field with gusto and dismissed the visitors for just 59 with the skipper taking an astonishing 6 wickets, with Mark 'Ziggy' Mitchell mopping up the other 4.

However nothing is simple in these affairs, and the James' batsmen made hard work of the run chase with batsmen dropping like flies, It took the steady hand of opener Tony Gibbs and bowler Mark Mitchell to finally see them over the finishline with a wicket to spare, no problem!

So a solid start for both sides, with the second XI topping the league!

A special thanks to the first XI matchball sponsor The Gambling Times.

Fishy Cricketers - Cod you do better?

2010-06-16T07:45:00.003+01:00

So as Stephen Finn makes his mark in test cricket I have spent literally minutes putting together my fish based Test Cricket XI

Shaun Pollock

Brad Haddock

Adam Gillchrist

Sunil Gavaskarp

Craig White-bait

Stephen Finn

Sardine Chanderpaul

Shane Pond

Simon Katfish

Salmon Butt

SeaUrchin Tendulkar

Coach – Andy Flounder

Lets have some response to this, I didn't write it just for the hallibut!

Catch It!

2010-05-21T12:13:00.002+01:00

Newburgh Nailed

2010-05-20T08:16:00.004+01:00

Newburgh Nailed.

After a bit of a slump the Lads from Limbrick got back on track this week, bagging the full 20 points in a frustrating affair against Newburgh CC.
From the start is was always going to be a difficult day in the field, with the short straight boundaries, the bowlers winced just at the thought of pitching one up and getting drilled straight. However they shouldn’t have worried, as any ball that wasn’t up around Yorker length seemed to shoot up faster than a smack head on giro day.

This lead to some intimidating bounce from the Trio of Mcnally’s and Philip Van Jackson. Whilst entertaining to watch batsmen try to drive balls that are sailing past their shoulder, the amount of nicks and edges finding their way for runs behind the batsmen on the short straight boundaries was soul destroying for the fieldsmen. At drinks we were amazed that the home team had managed to put on 80 runs for only two wickets, without really playing a shot.

Promoted to the firsts, and dressed like a mid 70’s cricketer Leon Morris was in top form, after letting a ball through his legs in the field, he also produced a slide that a child on a shiny dancefloor at a wedding would be envious of. Unfortunately he didn’t stop the ball, luckily Brown had sprinted around the perimeter at great pace and foiled the four, only for the ultra eared Morris to sit on the ball while the batsmen completed another flukey run.

Now I have seen people, not walk when they have nicked it, in fact I have done it myself, and its always embarrassing to see someone have a look of confidence as they boldly give a surprised look to the appealing cordon. However I have never seen someone get so much bat on a caught behind, then proceed to practice a totally different shot, then start to take guard, oblivious to the jubilant celebrations and the umpires finger erection. In the words of Vice Captain Foster,
“Get off, you prick, you middle it.”

After the King of Grin, Stevie Mac and Seany Foster skittled the two lads to make any runs for them, the rest fell like a house of cards and Newburgh were bowled out for 145 in 45 overs with Foster taking 3/23 and McNally Jnr taking 4/32.
After a nice tea, including flapjacks, pasta salad and cheese and pickle butties the James’ openers went out to face the fizzing pitch fearing for their teeth, and with both openers getting out early on, it looked like the easily doable total was in grave doubt. This was galvanised by Stevie Mac getting done by the pitch and paddling one back to the bowler.

Paul McNally Jnr played a captains innings and his 70 not out steered the Jimmys to a comfortable win in the end, with newly Tee total Dixon finishing the job in typical fashion with an almighty clout.

Nice beer in the bar afterwards too, for everyone except Ross Dixon who instead enjoyed a blackcurrant and soda due to his detox regime.

Seperated At Birth

2010-05-18T08:14:00.003+01:00

After Englands demolition of the Crims in the T20 there are few aussies to leave the tournament with any credit.

However young spinner Stephen Smith is the exception, he gave a good showing oh himself in the tournament and will be looking to dislodge Haurwitz in the test side.

As an even bigger complement to the lad, he is the spits of St. James' part time bowler Seany '2Horny' Foster.

Here we see their faces on both their first days at special school.

Due a Win

2010-05-14T12:43:00.003+01:00

So the site hasn’t been updated for a while, after two early wins we have been defeated in the next three games, whilst still bagging some decent points in order to stay in touch with the table toppers.

Here is a quick recap

At home to Rufford – could have won if batted properly, limped past a ton and had then knocked off with some short pitched dross sent down from our bowlers.

Points of note – Bobby Wood fell over twice, Ross The Boss Bowled Some Dross, Rufford had the most aggressive slow bowler in history, eyeballing, swearing the works – Stevie Mac – take note.

Away to Tarleton – Heads went, gave it away, heard it was tasty, disciplinary action taken, Fiddy Gent Present.

At home to Prescott and Odyssey – Again were in with a shout of knocking off a 175 declaration but the wickets tumbled at critical moments. As a new team in the league Prescott and Odyssey
y will now be known as Ivan Drago CC – turned up an hour early, in matching tracksuits, went through the Mr Motivator BLT (Bums Legs and Tums) workout video before the game and proceeded to set a field straight from the attacking menu from Brian Lara Cricket.

They were quite good.

But alas, I am confident of a much needed victory tomorrow against Newburgh C.C. Tapedeck Morris is in the firsts which will mean there will be some excellent material for next weeks report.

If you’re feeling a little downhearted about recent form, feel free to look at the picture of Mikey Mac in this weeks guardian, he looks like he has been catapulted to the crease.

If that doesn’t cheer you up, maybe this will

Cricket Web - Features: Five Minutes With Noor Ali

2010-04-26T07:26:00.000+01:00

Cricket Web - Features: Five Minutes With Noor Ali

Everyones second team in the ICC T20?

Ross The Boss, He Dont Bowl Dross.

2010-04-20T11:41:00.003+01:00

Aughton C.C. vs Chorley St. James' C.C.

This passing Saturday saw two of the biggest match ups of sporting significance in the entire north west of England, The first was the Manchester Derby, where the United fans were left cursing the volcano as they could not travel from the four corners of the earth to support their local team in their local derby. With the Arab money making Eastlands a fortress, and goals expected from a Togoan, an Argie, a Taff and a Bulgarian a fine example of British sporting prowess this would not be. With no goals scored in 90 minutes I was glad I had chose to attend the second biggest game of the day Aughton C.C. versus Chorley Saint James’ C.C.

As the news filtered through, via Matty Highams results service that Paul Scholes had nabbed a winner in the final breath of Fergietime, we all smiled a wry smile and cursed typical United and how the title race was back on. Little did we know that some strange parallels were being drawn between the Premiership action over in Manchester and our imminent cricket encounter on the leafy outskirts of Self pity City.

Firstly I saw that no matter how many young lads you have running around, enthusiastically using their energy for the course, sometimes it takes an experienced pro to come good, and seal the deal. Swap your Nani for your Foster, your Valencia for your Wood and your Gibson for your Deakin Jnr. and your beginning to piece together the Jigsaw of how the James’ did a united. Chuck in your elder statesman of McNally Snr. And Deakin Snr. And we have mixed a potent cocktail that Old Rednose Ferguson would be proud of.

The second thing that dawned on me, is that sometimes you have to rely on a ginger to win it for you . . . .

Foster, in his first game as captain, since Paul McNally Jnr. faked an injury to avoid is arch nemesis Jimmy Bunn, lost the toss and we were put in to bat. After last weeks heroics, and a good knock in the Critchley Cup, Hero Higham was given the openers place to accompany the captain. Young Higham became an early casualty but Stevie Mac and Foster steadied the ship to forge a decent platform to build from. With catches going down more frequently than an Amsterdam Hooker the Jimmies rode their luck to keep the runs coming!

As Paul McNally Snr. Approached the wicket, sporting the now famous flaccid ringed sun hat the evidence of the value of an old campaigner was soon to be realised, with the innings at a junction where another couple of quick wickets could have resulted in a collapse of twin tower proportions McNally played himself in before batting his way to an unbeaten 42. With everyone else chipping in with a few runs here and there the James’ finished on 189 for 7, with McNally Senior showing all his experience, blocking out the last over, giving the bowler maiden and ensuring a red inker for himself.

After a hearty tea, of cocktail sausages and scotch eggs, the good ship James set sail back onto the field, fired up from last weeks tip top performance with the ball, Jackson had been elevated to opening the bowling with Maroon Mikey Mac and the pair bowled excellently at the openers, with little reward until Jackson made the breaktrough, with McNally removing the other opener soon after.

The rest of the Aughton batsmen simply had no idea what was about to hit them, a whirling cyclone of Stella fuelled bowling rage. Something so magnificent, so bearded, so special, so ginger, so beautiful it can only be expressed in the form of a poem,

There was a bearded ginger woodsman who went by the name of Ross,
His bowling was superb apart from that wide and the odd full toss,
He spends the week building boats for fishermen, getting grief from his boss,
However at the weekend he becomes a stump clattering machine proving to his doubters he doesn’t bowl dross.
It was a great team performance, but Nabman really added the gloss,
And with the flame haired Adonis in our side, it’s difficult to predict a loss,
The auburn hero who saved the day, just like Scholes heading in that cross.
But Dixon loves cricket, not football, rugby ,speedway or even lacrosse,
To celebrate he will probably go camping, in a shelter he made out of moss,
And get rewarded by his good lady, afterwards I hope she will floss!

Taking 7 wickets for only 13 runs, Ross Dixon bowled an absolutely scintillating spell, to all but finish the game for the Jimmys.
Spin King, Steven Mcnally rounded things up with Foster taking a solid catch at mid off, and that was that in the North West’s second biggest encounter.
So, two games, two wins, two teams dismissed for 61, maximum points, we have our own Paul Scholes, our own Ryan Giggs and Gary Neville.
On the subject of top class old footballers, I’m sure I heard Gary Lineker was captaining the second eleven.

Ten Ducks on Tenterhooks

2010-04-12T20:50:00.009+01:00

Chorley St. James' C.C. Vs. Mawdesley C.C.

So Saturdays game saw the curtain raiser of the season commence, the main event, the culmination of winter months spent ironing out creases in every area of the game, both teams stirring themselves into a frenzy of preparation ready to pinnacle in a cricketing exhibition.

An action packed game ensued, with a tense finish and plenty of action for both teams, however an advert for the unrecognised talent in club cricket it was not. In a match that saw no fewer than ten ducks, it wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that the early start to the season had fiddled with the early season planning somewhat.
As reigning champions the Mawdesley openers strolled out onto a sun kissed Limbrick with an air of confidence. Even without their usual rotund opener, who had injured his back in a dogging incident, they looked assured, they had done this hundreds of times before. After a comprehensive win at the home of cricket last season, the visitors thought they were going to be in for an easy ride, however they hadn’t reckoned on the combined achievements of ‘James’ Fat Club’ which had been running throughout the winter.

Surprisingly, the early wickets were taken by now one of the fattest members of the squad, Michael McNally, who seemed to hit a purple patch in his bowling. He removed the Mawdesley openers with consummate ease which brought former St. James’ vice captain Ben Ward to the crease. The home side players were somewhat taken aback by the appearance of the man who can’t play Saturdays. As it happens , young Ward was the top scorer in the entire game, with a measly 24. However it looks like he may have jumped from the frying pan into a burning inferno of cricketing misery as he watched the wickets tumble down the other end.

The Limbrick crowd had swelled to double figures as a leading showbiz website broke the news that a member of 90’s boy band 5ive had been spotted turning out for the Jimbos. With the bleached blonde tips, the sculptured spikes and the newly chiselled beach body it was no surprise when the paparazzi turned up to catch a snap. And they didn’t leave disappointed with Jackson being rewarded for a tight line and a nagging length finishing with figures of 4/15 from 11 overs. It looks like Jacksons pre match meditation didn’t just have the gods smiling upon Limbrick, the luck paid off down at Aintree too with Jacko netting the winner in the national too. Carlsberg don’t do days . . . .

Spinning Stevie McNally took a couple of wickets before Michael Mac came back into the attack to mop up the tail sending stumps and bails all over the show in the process of racking up 4 wickets.

So there it was, the winter fat club had paid off, some good organised fielding, a cool caught and bowled, some tight aggressive bowling, exuberant appeals from the wicket keeper, some light hearted yet effective sledging and one ageing fine leg, the net total of all of which, skittling the best team in the league for 61 all out.
Job done, how could it ever go wrong?

With Riggers and Fozzy opening the batting the Jimmy’s felt in safe hands, however it seemed that the green pitch was going to cause problems for the home side as well as the visitors. With Mawdesley strike bowler Gilly in scintillating form it was going to be far from a walk in the park for the Lads from Limbrick. Gill taking 6/21 off nine overs removed Foster with a jaffa of a delivery before systematically working his way through the Chorley St. James top order. Only Bobby ‘Wafer thin’ Wood seemed to have any answers for the Mawdesley bowlers eventually being joined at the crease by new signing Ross ‘the boss’ Dixon. The pair got us within spitting distance of the set total before disaster struck with another string of quick wickets brought number eleven Matty Higham to the crease.

The only junior in the team Higham looked like a man with the weight of Muzzy on his shoulders. With four runs needed for the win, and one ball left to face in the over, the task for young Higham was a simple one, block it out. As the wily Mawdesley captain drew in the field to heap even more pressure onto the youngster’s narrow shoulders, the bowler, with already three wickets to his name that afternoon, ran in and delivered a ball. As the James’ faithful watched on with baited breath Higham made a tentative step down the wicket. Some spectators crossed their fingers, others looked away, a beer fuelled Muzzy let out a shriek to block it out.

But Matt Higham doesn’t piss sat down. With balls bigger than Ric Abbots gym weights he slapped the bowler back over his head to score four glorious match winning runs. The cheers of relief and jubilation rang around Limbrick as the realisation that we had beaten the champions by the narrowest of margins spread like wildfire.

A contentious stumping, more ducks, an appearance from a great big hairy animal and his dog, a very excited trainee scorer and a lucky dressing room. We are top of the league!

We once referred to them as the Stepdads of the league, because no one likes them and they beat you often.

Well not anymore!

Hanson Shout Out About The IPL.

2010-03-31T08:19:00.003+01:00

The Oklahoman band Hanson are looking to incorporate a bit of Indian cricketing razzmatazz into their pop-rock sound, as they prepare to launch their upcoming fifth album Shout It Out (due June 8th). The trio of brothers from Tulsa are recording a special rerelease of their debut hit ‘MMMBop’ as a tribute to their new team Kings XI Punjab.

Taylor Hanson told Tulsa Media. “We were on a break from promoting our fifth album Shout It Out (due June 8th) and came across live cricket coverage from India. The game was tied and went down to a super over and the Kings eleven won.”

Zac added “we have never really watched cricket before, but seeing all the people dancing and enjoying themselves at the ball game caught our attention. The way in which the fans are engaged with the team is what were aiming to do with our new EP, that’s why we have decided to become fans of Punjab.”

The comically titled “RavBop’ will have some of the same lyrics as the original song, however will also feature a special chorus as an ode to their favourite KXIP player, Ravi Bopara.

“We want to be able to talk about changing the world in all the four corners, through generation that is aware of culture in every area of the world we can be a force to be reckoned with — and at the same time be dancing, This is why we love the IPL, it combines the culture of India with, sport, music and dancing, we want to be a part of that.” Hanson says.

The band’s last LP — 2007’s The Walk — was tied to the band’s experiences in South Africa, another cricketing hotbed, and its fight to raise money for AIDS awareness. “The mood of this LP was far from buoyant we didn’t really get chance to see how cricket is viewed in South Africa, hopefully our tribute to our IPL side will lead to a more upbeat visit to India”

To kick off Shout It Out, Hanson are performing each of their albums in chronological order over a five-night stand in New York City at the end of April. The sold-out shows will be streamed online, and Hanson says the band has locked in guest appearances from musicians who have played on previous Hanson records — a pool that includes blues guitarist Jonny Lang, Sly & the Family Stone member Rose Stone and singer-songwriter Matthew Sweet.

The three-time Grammy-nominated trio of brothers brothers formed Hanson, a garage band, as pre-teens in Tulsa in the mid-1990s. All three play piano. Today, Zac predominantly plays drums and Isaac plays lead guitar. The act has sold millions of albums since its youthful debut at the downtown Mayfest arts and music festival in 1992.

The brothers hope that this single can be used by the IPL in some of their promotions in a bid for Hanson to eventually tour India.

The boys will be watching the Kings Eleven Punjab in their encounter against the Royal Challengers Bangalore, on the Friday April 2nd whilst busily promoting their new album, all the details that can be found on www.hanson.web

Rat Out Cricket

2010-03-25T09:37:00.004Z

Ever thought that Extra Cover could be a term for a back up comdom?

Or that ‘short boundary’ could be code for an ‘easy pull’?

No,

Well you have never played ‘Rat Out Cricket’, the phenomenon sweeping the pubs and clubs of city streets here in the UK and on many of the 18 – 30 holiday resorts across the globe.

We catch up with the father of the brainchild, James Hobbs:

Rat Out Cricket has really developed since it's genesis at Leeds Festival 2007 by a bunch of students from the University of Sheffield. It really did just emerge from basic umpiring signals, like wide and out, for girls who went past our campsite and I fully expected it to be a bit of an in-joke when I set up the Facebook group about it. Funnily enough, lots of girls were some of the first people to join the group so I guess it can be deemed as an all-inclusive movement!

Seemingly word spread about it and whole new pieces of terminology started to emerge. I was updating the group everyday from 'experienced ratsmen' who had new 'rules' to add. I seriously think people were out there going through the rule book and picking up on every word connected with cricket and putting them into a sharking context! It really did explode overnight and 10,000 members later, it is still going.

I don't expect it to make it into the mainstream as I quite like it as a Facebook phenomenon. That said, I was on holiday in Greece a couple of years ago and some people approached us knowing what we were up to as we raised a finger at one of the barmaids. Seemingly it has spread around quite a lot. Whether that's a good thing or not I don't know, but it's far more polite to say 'given!' about an attractive girl than shouting something obscene!

My favourite term has to be a 'googly' - a girl with weird eyes. I think it's one that provides a quick laugh, you know what it means and embodies the harmless game of ROC. I seriously hope that people keep joining and coming up with more rules and terminology. The best stuff will continue to be added to the list so I can keep the group going. Any mentions in the media would be great as well, but I still like the feel of it being a nice little Facebook movement.

You can find James’ facebook group, which boasts nearly 11,000 ‘Ratsmen’ here,

Rat Out Cricket

Right, I’m off to ‘shoot one through the covers’,

Laters.

The Biblical Tamim Iqbal

2010-03-24T09:20:00.000Z

Watching the test series in Bangladesh I have been so impressed by the biggest little man in world cricket Tamim Iqbal that I have been researching him on line, and would you believe the gets a mention in the good book:
There was a young boy many, many years ago that the Bible tells us about, his name was Tamim Iqbal. Now Tamim was a very special boy in God's eye's. Do you know why?

Tamim believed in God with all his heart and knew no matter what happens in his life, he knew he would be all right as long as God was there.

One day Tamims's uncle Akmal wanted Tamim to go an check on his three older brother's who were fighting a war to make sure they were okay and bring them some food. The name of the people that Tamim's brothers were fighting with were a group of people called the "English". These people were very bad people and they did not believe in God.

The English were on one mountain and the people called Bangladeshalites were on another mountain.(At one time long ago God's children were only the people who were called "Bangladeshi". Tamim was one of these.

Now when Tamim got to his brother's a "Giant" man named Tim Bresnan
who was nine feet and ten inches tall, who was in the English army,was yelling for someone to come and fight him. Just to look at Bresnan would scare most people, for he had a "GREAT" golden girdle and a very "BIG" arse and a "STRONG" appetite. And he launched aggressive half trackers at anyone who dared get in his way.

All the army of Bangladesh was afraid of him, but not Tamim. The King of the people of Bangladesh offered great wealth to anyone who would kill the Giant. Bresnan made fun of Tamim when he stepped up to face him because he was just a diminutive boy. All that Tamim had to fight the Giant Bresnan with was a bat made of wood that he used to take care of his father's sheep( this was his chore in his family), five smooth stones he got out of the umpires pocket, which he put in his box and his arm guard, which made the Giant laugh even harder.

Tamim had a secret weapon that the Giant didn't know about and that was God and with God all things are possible. Do you believe that he could kill the Giant Bresnan?

Tamim told the Giant today the Lord/God will help me kill you. Bresnan ran toward Iqbal, he took a stone out of his box, pulled back the straps of his armguard, and shot it at the Giants head. Bresnan fell to the ground and he was dead.

Just like Tamim if you love God and obey him and believe in God then all things no matter how hard or how big they seem are possible with God on your side.

When Tamim Iqbal got older he became the King of the people Bangladesh.

No Vote – No Voice

2010-03-22T16:11:00.001Z

With KP still unable to make a huge score against a Bangladesh attack more blunt than Duncan Goodhew, we revisit the most intense investigation since Inspector Gadget hung up his mechanical hat.

Over recent weeks we revealed that many suspects both in and out of the cricketing world were thought to be suspects in the untimely demise of our very own K-Bomb. Gladstone Small, Winnie Mandella and Ashwell Prince were all amongst the list of suspects, however due to more recent evidence that the talent has been tea leafed police are rekindling the investigation and at their request we have arranged a poll to see who you think has stolen KP’s talent.

Pietersen has declined their offer of him starring in a reconstruction of the crime citing reasons of shyness and fear of the limelight, however for a reconstruction of his bad form, look no further than Bangladesh.

So who stole KP’s talent?

Vote now

England Test Cap Competition!

2010-03-19T07:56:00.002Z

England Test Cap Competition!

The ECB are pleased to announce the continuation of the ‘Cap Competition’ in a bid to raise funds to help cricket at a grassroots level.

For the price of just £14.99 you can secure your ticket to the biggest draw in town. The prize includes

• being named on the team sheet to make your cameo test appearance

• A onetime opportunity to spend time in and around the first team squad

• All expenses paid flight to Bangladesh returning 5 days later

• A genuine England cricket cap

• A chance to have your batting score recognised by the ICC as a lasting testament to your once in a lifetime opportunity

• You will appear on TV.

• You get the chance to walk out to bat alongside the captain of England.

Don’t miss this opportunity, tickets for the draw would make great gifts for friends, loved ones or county cricketers desperate for one final push to play internationally.

This is your chance to be part of something that previously you had to work hard for years to achieve, the pinnacle of anyone’s playing career, the honour, the tradition being steeped in history as part of your countries elite, all available for only £14.99!

So what are you waiting for?

Congratulations to last month’s winner a Mr. M. Carberry from Hampshire

An IPL side is for life – not just for Eid

2010-03-17T21:59:00.001Z

So I picked my IPL side, it took skill judgement and a long hard soul searching process to choose the Kings XI Punjab as my side to follow in the IPL although it was not a choice without basis.

Sangakara plays for my county side Lancashire,

My favourite takeaway is called the Punjab Palace,

I like Ravi Bopara,

The woman on their bench looked tasty.

So there you have it, the rhyme and reason behind my biggest decision since deciding to make the jump onto double quilted toilet roll and I was in.

Now I would describe myself as an IPL sceptic, I like cricket, I like the ‘big names’, but I hate fuss and candy coated sport so I went in pretty non plussed about the whole affair, however I found myself drawn in.

I cheered every boundary the KXIP hit, I urged them on the extra mile to avoid a run out, and I was more than happy with 204 on the board at the end of the innings. I never thought I would feel so ‘into’ a side that I decided to enthuse about mere minutes before.

I thought I was strange, I was starting to believe in love at first sight, in instant attraction, in unconditional love at the flick of a button.
Then we went out to bowl, and we got thrashed.

And this is where I reverted to the cold, emotionally retarded, oaf my missus often infers that I am, I just wasn’t bothered.

Maybe this is the future, to enjoy the good times, bask in the glory then switch off when the shit hits the fan, my IPL experience so far has been an enjoyable emptiness, like looking down a girls top then slipping in your IPod headphones when she bollocks you for doing it.

But somewhere in me I want to feel the pain, I want to hurt, I want to buy fully into the emotional self harm that is cricket, and I’m willing to persevere, when I chose the Punjab I made a commitment.

So in the words of Leann Rimes

“ Commitment
Someone who’ll go the distance
I need somebody who’ll stand power
And make me go weak in the knees
Commitment
And everything that goes with it
I need honour and love in my life from somebody
Who’s playin’ for keeps “

Kings XI Punjab till I die!

2010-03-16T11:01:00.000Z

So last night after making the decision that I am going to try to get into the IPL, I have decided that I support a team. This is now the team I live and breathe, I will be calling my next born Kingsley Punjabious in their honour and have already had their club crest tattooed on my forehead.

Now I’m a die hard fanatic of the Lions of Punjab I am a super super fan of all things red and white I will not hear a slight made on my beloved boys.

I’d say my favourite player so far is Sanga, although this could change after ‘our’ next fixture, against Royal challengers Bangalore, ha, royal chumps more like! Go Punjab.

As I watch my beloved Punjab princes take on the Royal chumps, sat here with my red and white face paint, ordering a emirates flight whilst sticking pins in my Dale Steyn voodoo doll I think I have done well in my three hour KXIP supporting career.

Go on Ravi.

Buying into the Razzmatazz

2010-03-15T22:17:00.001Z

“I’m gonna hit the sidewalk, walk to the store next to the mall, grab a 20L bottle of cola and a stack of potato chips, and pre game for the ball game Wooooo! USA USA USA”

This is a sentence containing a collection of Americanisms, I hate Americanisms, and I hate Americans and all their gun toting, hyperbole, bigger and better attitude and I hate elastic topped jeans. I hated the Stamford millions, I hate corporate sponsorship and I hate the IPL.

Infact no, scratch that I don’t hate the IPL, I don’t know it. A bit like that girl who you call a slag at school because you read it on the wall of trap two in the shithouse. You have never spoke to her, but you know she is bad news.

Recently I have developed a habit for olives, black, green, feta stuffed, almond filled, pimento, all shapes and sizes I love them all I can’t get enough. The first time I tried one reminded me of a cottaging holiday, I winced, spat and rinsed, however I learned to love them. Can I do the same with the IPL, can I keep my attention on the screen long enough to watch and enjoy the undoubted talent on display without buying one of the products plugged throughout the game.

Maybe I should literally buy into the razzmatazz, set up a deal to have my blogs name tattooed onto a player, maybe 100,000 rupees per letter?

That may be a bit to extravagant, having totalled up the income this blog has made me, £3.16 that I dropped in the crease of the couch whilst writing it, I may have to settle for having my blogs initials tattooed on a player. L.O.L!

Still might be a bit pricey for my money, perhaps I could get it tattooed over the arse cheeks of a player then I would only need to pay for two letters?

Anyway, I have made up my mind, just like I fell in love with olives, and I eventually learned to like my missus I’m going to learn to watch and enjoy the Indian Premier League. To do so I need to emotionally invest in the competition, I need to pick a team, to root for someone, to buy all the products that one team pushes.

But how can I do this when I currently don’t care?

Any suggestions will be gratefully received, aside from that, it’s going to be a case writing down each team on my belly and seeing which one hasn’t smudged off in the night.

So in the words of our language abusing cousins across the pond, The IPL is awesome, it rocks, it’s the bomb and I’m gonna be the number one fan.

Go IPL!!!

Sports Car

2010-03-15T07:30:00.002Z

“VVVVrrroooooommmmmm”

Is it a bird, is it a plane, is it a fat lass trying to get down to the cake shop before closing time?

No,

It’s Michael Carberry,

Like a captive ferret released into the wild, Carberry tears up the outfield with consummate ease. Never before has an England fieldsman have such Akabusiesque acceleration and desire to retrieve a cricket ball.

After playing at a standard of cricket where anyone who move faster than a pregnant paraplegic is asked to ‘sweep’ the boundary as the team piechucker loosens up by wrestling his sleeveless jumper off, it’s refreshing to see.

Carberry can be seen when not touring with the England squad, on the parks of Surrey chasing and returning sticks thrown by Alec Stewart.

Carberry puts his lightening pace down to Tim Bresenan, claiming that since rooming with Bresenan he has had to move fast after waking up in the night to the sight of Bresenan drooling over his sleeping torso, complete with knife fork and napkin tucked down his night shirt.

Leg It!!!!!

The Campaign Starts Here!

2010-03-13T07:22:00.005Z

My music teacher didn’t teach me much, my skill on the keyboard ends with the Rugrats theme tune and my in-depth musical knowledge consisted of practicing drawing those squiggly things at the start of the music. However he did teach me one of the most important nuggets of information that shaped my pubescent years. Girls who play brass or woodwind instrument in the school band are the best kissers. He went on to explain it was all to do with their lips and tongue getting strong and adept at delicate tongue movements. Instead of questioning how he came to such conclusions, and considering suggesting his name for the local register I took the advice and used it to the best of my ability.

It was sound advice as not only were the oboe players proficient in behind the sports pavilion action, but I also had no competition to tick them off my list. While the cool kids who smoked or played football chased the popular girls with their large hooped earrings and orange makeup lines on their blouses, it left me to work my imaginary magic with the plain Jane band girls.

The years have gone by and I got a euphonium player knocked up, my teacher ended up being struck off and banned from owning a puppy and carrying sweets near the swimming baths, and my oboe player ended up putting her skills to considerable use turning £20 tricks by Applejax bins.

But what does this have to do with cricket I hear you cry???

How does this relate to Chorley St. James’????

Well, as I watch the England side liquidise the Bangladesh turn attack it occurs to me that the James’ might not have a spin bowler this coming season. With Stevie Mac looking as though he is going to make a return as the ‘Limbrick Locomotive’ it seems as though we might be struggling to utilise the ploughed, dog shit encrusted wickets we will be playing on this year.

Then it came to me, our very own camp band member straight from Band Camp, Kieran Higham. With all that trumpet polishing and valve twiddling, the boy Higham has a strong wrist and flexible fingers. He can turn a ball, probably more than most, with his turning a door knob technique and the campaign for the big man to be promoted to first team action begins here.

Spin is in, it’s the new seam. With Swanny being one of the only members of the England cricket team with a little panache, every team needs a slow bowler who can change a game.

With a new captain for Chorley St. James’ Cricket Club comes fresh ideas, one of which should be Kieran Higham, the man who can turn a snooker ball on glass. Sure we have seen his stock delivery, it starts drifting from middle, pitches on leg, grips the pitch and is often fielded for byes by square leg. However with our support we can instil control and consistency to his game, he could be St. James’ secret weapon, the Shaun Udal of Chorley.

Also think of the other advantages, he may bring some of his band members with him, bringing their instruments with them, as well as their talented lips. Just imagine a soundtrack to a Saturday on Limbrick. A Trombone giving a ‘Wah Wah Waaaa’ every time we drop a catch, A tuba accompanying Graham Brown’s waddle to the wicket and Michael McNally having a go on someone’s Flute while he is waiting to bat.
The revolution begins here,

Kieran Higham, Chorley St. James Cricket Club First XI spinner 2010.

Kick a Midget.

2010-03-12T09:29:00.000Z

As I sit here watching England tally up the runs past the 300 mark, it has been occurring to me that this series might not be the best time to play the Test Match Cricket drinking game.
A shot for a six, two fingers of beer for a four and finish your drink for a wicket is not an advised strategy for this game.
However after only the first day of this series it had got me thinking about one of life’s little mysteries.

What would it be like to place your hand on a midget’s forehead and keep them at arms length, then repeatedly kick them in the stones?

Top Thief?

2010-03-11T22:28:00.002Z

After what seems like decades of plumbing new depths in investigation it is time to finally reveal the eighth and final suspect earmarked by police in the ongoing case who stole Kevin Pietersen’s talent.

Former Essex player Don Topley has been named by police as the final suspect in the octagonal shortlist of people who police believe could have stolen the talent of KP.

It is believed Topley is still deeply hurt after Pietersen thwacked a corkie into the face of his 15 year old son in a net session. The cut reportedly needed stitches, and it is understood that Topley senior is out for revenge.
Topley had this to say,

“Hurt isn’t the word, I’m seething about it, it really gets my goat all those hours in the back garden and my lad drops a simple dolly. I would have held that one easy in my heyday and would back myself to make it stick now. If I had taken Pietersen’s talent I wouldn’t want to waste it on that lad of mine, he will never be as good as his father, nor will Kevin Pietersen for that matter.

So there you have it, the climax of a lengthy police investigation.

So whodunnit?

Suspect Seven Uses Legal Clout To Deny Guilt

2010-03-11T16:59:00.002Z

The penultimate person revealed to be on the talent thief hitlist has used his lawyers to issue a statement confirming his innocence. He has distanced himself from any wrong doing by casting the first stone and threatening a law suit against anyone who dares suggest he is involved with the crime.

That man is Ashwell Prince.

Due to the serious threats from his legal team we cannot go into the ins and outs of the accusations however we can quote this excerpt from his lawyers statement.

“On behalf of my client Mr. Prince I would like to declare that we stringently and vigorously deny any accusation that he is in possession of talent. He would like to make it clear to the world at large that he has never had any interest in having talent, in the past present or on any future occasions. Any section of the media, cricketing world or the public at large, who dares to suggest that Mr. Prince has even a modicum of talent will be dealt with through swift legal action.”

Remember if you have any information on the theft of Kevin Pietersen’s talent please get in touch and we will deal with your call in confidence.

If you are in possession of Mt Pietersen’s talent, or any talent at all please bring it with you to The Gillete playing fields, Limbrick, Chorley where it will be greatly appreciated.

Freddie using The Old Grey Matter!

2010-03-11T15:30:00.002Z

He may be a long hop away from being awarded entry to Mensa, but Andrew ‘Freddie Flintoff’ is appearing as a quiz team captain tonight on Sky One’s new show, ‘A League of Their Own.’

I’m sure the ashes hero will be as entertaining as ever, however if the show doesn’t live up to the hype you can entertain yourself by seeing if you can spot all these predictable gags and lines from fatty funny man Corden.

“Now Freddie were both big lads” – 1 point

“Been on any pedalos lately Fred?” – 2 points

“Now Fred we all know you like the odd Shandy Bass” – 3 points

“Cricket is the only game where you can play for five days with no winner,” – 4 points

“Ah, does a little bit of rain scare off the sensitive cricketers.” – 5 points

“All that fuss over the ashes, playing for a trophy that looks like it belongs in a dolls house, I’ve shit bigger than that” – 10 points.

Don’t forget to tune in tonight at 9:00, hopefully it won’t be as cringe worthy as this blog.

Disappearance Down to Devils Dandruff

2010-03-11T15:13:00.002Z

As we attempt to break the record for the most pointless blog updates in a day, law enforcement officials confirm another suspect in the biggest who dunnit in the history of who dunnits, WHO STOLE KP’s TALENT????

So far the crooked finger has been pointed at Geoffrey Boycott, Winnie Mandela, Peter Moores, Gladstone Small and Kevin Simm. However a new name has been tossed into the hat, this time its former England all-rounder Chris Lewis.

Although he was serving a spell at Her Majesty’s pleasure around the time of the theft, prison officials claim their intelligence informs them that Lewis was the mastermind behind an elaborate plot to hold ‘The Talent’ hostage in order to pay off a debt to a West Indian drug dealer known as TTT (Trigger Tapping Tremaine). It is alleged that Lewis called upon his contacts in the cricketing world to gain access to the precious commodity and then used his underworld pals to handle and fence the talent in order to raise the capital needed.

Serving a spell in the block for snorting the popping crease at an inter-wing prison cricket match Lewis was unavailable to comment on this breaking news.
However TTT talking from his Saint Lucia mansion had this to say,

“ Don’t talk to me bout dat bumberclart Lewis,mans a waste ya know, Never even heard of dis talent you running you mouth bout rude boy, how much it cost per gram?”

And remember kids, winners don’t do drugs, just ask Mohammad Asif!

Fifth Suspect revealed – Taking a Liberty

2010-03-11T13:36:00.003Z

In the story that has more episodes than FRIENDS the fifth suspect in the case that has got the nation up in arms can be confirmed.

Just who has stolen Kevin Peitersen’s talent?

This is the question on the lips of literally tens of people in the world.
Police are attempting to solve the riddle by naming their fifth target, non other than reality star and former Liberty X singer Kevin Simm.

Hailing from the centre of the cricketing stratosphere, Chorley, home of the greatest side on the globe, Chorley St. James’ Cricket Club, Simm was nearly ruled out of the final eight on the grounds that ‘nobody from Chorley needs to steal talent’. However this FACT was outweighed by revelations into the personal life of the fresh faced singer.

Being a former bandmate of Pietersen’s wife Jessica, sources close to the pair revealed that Simm always had a crush on Jessica, and he felt aggrieved as she constantly spurred his advances for the South African Pietersen who was going through a purple patch in his career. Its believed that by removing his talent Simm hoped to snare Jessica and help her to choose the right Kev.

The rumours have been fuelled by Simm’s close relationship with Simon Cowell, the brain behind the TV show ‘Britain’s Got Talent’. The friendship could be construed as an admission as guilt by some camps, alluding to the hostage taking of ‘talent’.
When asked to comment on the accusations Cowell replied,

“ these accusations are some of the worst I’ve ever heard, their relevance is poor, their lifeless and lacking character, and there not going through to the next round”

Check back later for more updates on the most tedious, well milked, drawn out investigation in the history of cricket blogs.

Fourth Suspect in Pieterson Probe revealed.

2010-03-11T11:39:00.001Z

Police have hurriedly released information on the fourth suspect in an attempt to have the talent, stolen from Kevin Pietersen returned to him before the Test Series in Bangaladesh.

Police named former England and Warwickshire bowler Gladstone Small as the name joining Geoff Boycott, Winnie Mandela and Peter Moores on the shortlist of potential thieves.

When asked to put some meat on the bones of this seemingly random suspect, lead investigator DC Burnside had this to say.
“He looks sneaky, very ,very sneaky , this is all”

Police Reveal Third Suspect In The Longest Running Saga Since Who Killed JR.

2010-03-11T09:30:00.003Z

A crack collective of clue collectors continue to comb the globe in pursuit of the master thief who has relieved Kevin Pietersen of his talent.

Sun Hill’s finest boys in blue have travelled to Lancashire England, to speak to former England coach Peter Moores.

Moores and KP were locking horns over the England setup around the time of the dissapearence of the talent.

It is alleged that Moores is still seething over the perceived witch hunt, led by Pietersen that led to his being ousted from the England set up. Police believe that Moores may has took the talent as recompense for a gold carriage clock that he never received as a parting gift from the ECB.

It is thought that instead of keeping the talent where it could be founds, Moores divided it up between his young Lancashire starlets Smith, Brown, Proctor and Parry.
Moores strongly denies the accusations and is happy to help the police with their enquiries.

If you have any information please contact the leader of the investigation, Hercule Poirot at – HP@upturnedtash.com

Police Reveal Second Suspect In The Biggest Crime In Cricket

2010-03-11T07:45:00.001Z

The team of intrepid investigators have worked tirelessly to put together a dossier on 8 suspects for this heinous crime against the ECB. Pietersen’s missing talent has been at the centre of a world wide manhunt involving the A Team and Indiana Jones.
The authorities feel they are in position to release information on their second suspect, Winnie Mandella.

A charged kidnapper it is alleged Winnie wants back what rightly belongs to her and currently has the talent held at gunpoint at a secret chamber along with Nelson Mandela’s integrity and Sir Desmond’s Tutu.

It is alleged that Winnie wants the talent back where it belongs, in South Africa, and it is alleged that she threatened to ‘necklace’ anyone who stand in her way.

Sources close to Pietersen claim that he is helping the authorities with their enquiries in a bid to nail the political activist. They claim Pietersen heard Mandella wailing and screaming and he believes she was spying on him suspended from a pulley rope on a vantage point in Trafalgar Square, London.

When asked to elaborate on these rumours KP replied,

”I can’t say too much as it may compromise an ongoing investigation, but I did hear what sounded like a woman sliding up and down Nelson’s Column”

Police have already confirmed Geoffrey Boycott joins Winnie on the list of suspects wanted for crimes against cricket. We hope to reveal the remaining six in due course.

Police Reveal 8 Suspects In The Search For KP’s Stolen Talent.

2010-03-10T22:13:00.003Z

A crack team of super sleuths have confirmed 8 suspects in the investigation into the mysterious disappearance of an invaluable commodity to the nation. Pietersen’s talent was reported missing in January 2009 and since then MI5, Jack Bauer and Secret Squirrel have been working behind the scenes to narrow down a list of suspects.

In a bid to drive the villain from hiding the law enforcement officers are periodically releasing details of their suspects.

The first name on the shortlist has been unveiled as Geoffrey Boycott. Angered by Pietersens aggressive style and modern approach to the game it is suspected that Boycott had an axe to grind with the England star.

No stranger to dealing out a slap to those who yank his Yorkshire pudding, it is thought that the former England opener could have taken down the big South African with his patented ‘Boycs Backhander’ before boring the talent out of Pietersen by forcing him to watch endless spools of the Greatest Living Yorkshireman opening the batting for his county.

Police are keen to speak to Boycott as a matter of urgency, citing his hatred for Kev’s unorthodox style, and his previous form as cause and motive.

When questioned about the accusations Boycott refused to answer however he was heard to mumble “Talent, the oik never had’t talent to pinch, Thas never met a nice South African’ over the intercom of his Ivory Tower in Wakefield, Yorkshire.

Whodunnit??

2010-03-10T09:05:00.005Z

Reports suggest that there is a police investigation taking place throughout the world of cricket. Never before has such a Cluedoesque situation reared its ugly head in the game we love. Dick Tracey, Hetty Wainthrop, Jacques Clouseau, and Dick Van Dyke's character from Diagnosis Murder all using their combined talents would be stumped by the intricate theft that has happened some time ago in world cricket.

Bangladesh police are working closely with their British counterparts in a bid to find the culprit of a most audacious of crimes. The swipe is suspected to have taken place around the beginning of 2009, leaving the authorities back pedalling through time in a bid to solve the mystery.

Just who stole Kevin Pietersen’s talent?????

Police plan to reveal a list of their suspects later in the week, where a full investigation will take place.

Sources close to the player hope that the perpetrator will return the item stolen, before tomorrows test series to save England’s blushes.

Anyone with any information on this crime should call Jessica Fletcher at Crimestoppers on 0800 555111

Captain Cook Emulates The Heroes of Village Cricket.

2010-03-09T13:32:00.001Z

England Captain Alastair Cook took on the role of a prestigious character in village cricket, ‘The Pie Chucker’.

In yesterday’s game at Chittagong, Essex boy Cook attempted to buy the remaining Bangladesh A wickets by sending down some Buffet Balls for the batmen to help themselves too. There is an age old adage in the folklore of cricket that reads,

‘Shit gets Wickets’

clearly not.

As Cook found, after being assaulted for a monumental number of runs in just 5 over’s. 111 runs at an average of 22.2 an over is a fine example of pie chucking at its finest. However Cook and his partner in crimes against bowling Micky Carberry (78/0 off 4) failed to emulate the fine exponents of the chucking of pies seen on village greens up and down the field.

Sorry lads, your just not village.

Their warm up consists of windmilling their arms exactly 3 times before straining to remove their painfully tight jumper. They mark out their run up three and a half paces from the bowling crease and often use their tactical nous to move at least 6 of the infield onto the boundary.

The ‘piechucker’ is a master of the mind games and will often throw their first couple of deliveries down leg in an attempt to deceive the batsman.

Next is to bowl some of the most non threatening, confidence building, begging to be slapped deliveries ever to be seen, since . . . . , well since he did the same thing the week before.

You see this oaf trotting in to bowl yet another full dross and your heart skips a beat, a look round the outfield reveals a mass of spaces to dispatch the ball too, you feel the cold burn of your box against your scrotum as your bollocks physically swell with pride at how far you are going to send this ball. Your grip tightens, you can’t get down the track fast enough as you see another insult of a ball being tossed up in the air.

The rest of it is a blur,

you play your shot, and you set off jogging for what is another assured boundary, then you hear it, eleven men all joining into a combined ‘wahey’ as a fielder in the deep is tossing up the ball in jubilation.

As your bollocks rapidly shrink back into their walnut shell coma, and you begin the long walk back to the hutch, you take a look at the buffet bowler, half expecting to see a look of embarrassment or a note of apology, but no. Just a well versed smile and an expectant pose. Just as an extra kick in the knackers, just as your leaving earshot of the middle you swear you can hear.

‘You’re closing in on that bowling averages trophy mate, 56 for the season now’

Pissing pie chuckers, the scourge of the lower league batsmen, the hero of many a game,

And he WILL get you out.

James’ Second XI Rebel Against Government Scheme

2010-03-06T10:55:00.002Z

Players registered on or before 29 February 2000 (V registration) now qualify for the £2,000 scrappage discount. This change has been made to make sure that all senior players qualify for the scrappage scheme. Previously, players had to be be registered on or before 31 August 1999.

The Cricket Clubs taking part in the scrappage scheme are: Rajasthan Royals, Brinscall CC, Compton Cricket Club, Ramsbottom CC, Darwen CC (first XI), Bunbury CC, Vernon Carus, Bangalore Royal Challengers, Mote Ladies CC, Preston North End staff XI, Holland, Blackrod CC, Victorian Bushrangers, Darwen CC (second XI), Afghanistan, Middleton Chaney Women’s CC, Springfield CC, Darwen CC (third XI), The Lord Taverners XI, Aukland Cricket Club, Mumbai Indians, Llantwit Major Cavaliers, Kenya, Darwen CC (fourth XI), Coppull CC, Mawdsley Stepdads, Darwen CC (fifth XI), Kings XI Punjab,

Sixteen of these Cricket Clubs have signed up to the new terms as at 21 October, with the remaining 12 expected to agree to the terms shortly.

The scrappage scheme will come to an end in 28 February 2010 or when the funding runs out, whichever is sooner.

These are the outlines of the government scrappage scheme designed to rid the cricket fields of the UK of ageing, clapped out cricketers that pollute the atmosphere and harm the environment. However Chorley St. James second XI have gone against the grain and have decided to encourage old bangers to remain in use.

Offering payment of a Last of the Summer Wine boxset, three packets of Trebor mints and a pair of cream Farrah slacks the second XI are coaxing eldery cricket players out of retirement in a move that has angered government officials.

Pre season rumours are rife that the average age of the Second XI will sky rocket to over 43 for the first time since 1943 where a Chlamydia epidemic wiped out all men under the age of 25 in the Chorley area.

Spokesman for the Senile Seniors Martin Deakin commented,

“There’s many a good tune played by an old fiddler”

Regional government worry that the emissions coming from some of these dated vessels could have an adverse effect on local wildlife, as well as the eyesore of the team itself.

New Signing Announced

2010-03-05T10:16:00.003Z

News reporters recently paid The Gillette Playing Fields on Limbrick a visit to meet Chorley St. James's new recruit Ross Dixon.

Former White Coppice player, Dixon has spent his first winter training as a Jimmies cricketer with his new team mates at Clayton Green Sports Centre.

The 24-year-old, right-arm seamer signed a one-year deal at the end of last season after impressing everyone during his cameo appearances in the T20 knockout cup.

As well at being a strike bowler and a innovative batsman the flame haired fieldsman is renowned for the power and accuracy of his throwing in the deep. Local media revealed that Dixon has been spotted giving his throwing arm a work out at the local ‘White Heart Gym’. Reporters have seem him constantly lifting his pouring, sorry throwing, arm for hours on end, sometimes managing up to 18 sets of reps a night.

St James’ welcome Ross to the club and hope his off the field antics and Chris Evans like appearance will swell both the clubs attack and the takings at the Hop Pocket.

Why do we play cricket?

2010-03-04T09:55:00.000Z

Why do we play cricket?

As we read the daily tabloid front page detailing the sordid side to football, with Ashley Cole sticking it to any old hag in a skirt just because he can, and John Terry chucking thousands at covering up stories of away day antics it got this author thinking about the humble game of cricket.

With even third rate footballers seeming to he the Hugh Heffner of their small town club, with tales of roasting, sexy texts and Benny Hill antics it is little wonder that every red blooded teenager who has started to sprout underarm hair dreams of being a ‘nobhead footballer’. You can see them on every park across the country with their diamante single earring from Elizabeth Duke, and their aubergine and mustard ‘designer’ boots.

So what inspires people to get into cricket? Aside from hollow legs Flintoff and KP there are very few cricketers that carry enough weight to inspire the impure minds of the young men of the country. I struggle to imagine tales of Stuart Broad having a gaggle of girls on the go, or Paul Collingwood crashing a sportscar as he was distracted by the three strippers writhing around the back seat.

Without these idols to inspire the youth it means that the cricket fields of this green and pleasant land are awash with a rag tag group of eleven on a Saturday afternoon. There is no ‘cricket chic’, its not a fad or a fashion, in fact as a sit here feeling the winter nets itch I wonder what it is I miss about the most time consuming, frustrating, game in history.

Maybe I miss the feeling deep down in your hungover stomach as you realise you forgot to get your missus to wash your grass stained whites from last week?

Maybe I miss buggering about with awkward sightscreens and brushing down the square after it seems someone had held a mid week crufts meeting on it.

Could it be the stench of the changing rooms and realising, with visible proof, that the team ginger had borrowed your box the week before?

Perhaps it’s spending 17 minutes putting on spikes, pads, thigh pad, inner thigh pad, jock strap, box, arm guard, inners, batting gloves, sweatband and helmet, only to be fired third ball by an aging umpire who doesn’t know his bails from his caught behind?

Maybe it’s chasing a red bullet in the outfield for hours on end watching it ricochet off fences, clubhouses, cars and oak trees, then been chucked the oblong, tatty hunk of scuffed pink leather to be told ‘see if you can get some life out of this’.

It could be watching storms that Noah would be proud of for 5 hours before being allowed to leave as the table topping opponents are insistent that it is ‘clearing up’.

Perhaps its spending your entire day playing cricket only for some ringer bowler for the opposition to block the ball for 32 overs ensuring the game is drawn.

Who knows?

The only thing I am certain of is that I love it, I miss it and I want it.

Just like those strippers that the footballers risk their entire reputations, families and livelihoods for, they just can’t help themselves.

Maybe cricketers aren’t the middle of the road, steady Eddie characters they are painted to be.

Maybe cricket is our vice, and were living on the edge every time we go back for another hit.

Cricket Junkies.